Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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