Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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