hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
