you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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