I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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