Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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