Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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