If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
