i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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