Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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