Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
