I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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