she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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