Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
