I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
