GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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