Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
