hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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