we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
