he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
