did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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