I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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