Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
