After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
