come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Randomize
