TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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