you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
another moral hangover. fuck.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
