Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
