I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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