everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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