So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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