You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
