Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
