how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
