why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
