I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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