Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
