I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
