I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
