I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
