Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
