I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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