i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
