My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
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She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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