I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
