I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
