how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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