You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i think my cat just said my name.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
