Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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