i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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