fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize