I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
