I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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