When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My pussy is not your playground.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
